Confidence and Knowing Your Worth It
Do you know your own worth? Not just on the good days and the successes. How about on the not so great days and the failures? Are you still “good enough”? In other’s eyes probably so. In your own, well that’s another dilemma entirely.
We truly tend to be our own worst critic.
I don’t know about you personally, but me, I have told myself that I am not good enough before. As a child, I think I was immune to this attitude as many children are. By high school, I was bending over backward to prove that the world was mine to conquer. Then enter adulthood and BAM!
There it was. Setback, failures, old suppressed memories of childhood verbal stings telling me that I couldn’t. And the lack of a genuine support system of any kind in my life made it ten times worse.
This doozy of a lie can creep up in every single area of our life.
Rejection in a relationship. Being let go in a job. Not fitting into a particular group of friends. Financial failings. Spiritual numbness. They all scream the same lie. You aren’t good enough.
This thought is toxic. And rest assured, none of you are alone in these thoughts. This lie is so common, especially among women.
We take the world on our shoulders. We buy into the idea that failed marriages, jobs, and friendships are entirely our own fault. Some of us slam our bodies if they don’t look exactly as we’d hope or question our parenting at every turn.
The lie builds and snowballs.
2007 was not a great year for me. Everything that could go wrong, was. And I was busy telling myself it was all my fault somehow.
I just didn’t deserve my goals. There was something wrong with me and that’s why my friendships were sliding. My finances were a disaster thanks to identity theft.
My relationship was suffering in the midst of it all so of course suddenly I wasn’t pretty, funny, or good enough either. I was looking at four children 4 and under, thinking, OMG I’m going to fail them. My biggest thought was:
I was somehow being punished for not being good enough.
Wow. Bullsh*t
Sorry for the language but that’s exactly what this lie is.
I am good enough for many things and SO ARE YOU. I don’t care what you have been through. Doesn’t matter how many rejections you have faced. You are still good enough.
Have you rejected yourself before someone even gets to know you? You refuse a date because surely he won’t like something about you. Don’t reach out to that group of people because what could they possibly find interesting about you? Tear that application up because you “just know” you won’t get it like so many others.
So how do we jump this hurdle?
Well, first let’s go over how not to try and squash this lie.
- Become a control freak. Literally trying to control every person, outcome, and scenario you can. Most people that are addicted to control think it soothes them but honestly it just drives you crazy. This comes across as someone who appears to have it all together on the outside but is crushing themselves on the inside.
- Accumulating stuff. Shopping and amassing stuff makes some people feel a sense of false accomplishment. They buy what they “earned” or what will “help them fit in”.
- People, please. Get so busy helping other’s you can avoid focusing on yourself. This can include living a life so centered around your children that you avoid your own “stuff”.
- A whole new wardrobe because if you just own this, this, and this you’ll feel better about yourself.
- Diet, exercise, or surgery not for the sake of a healthier body but for the “perfect” body. Usually done to impress someone other than yourself or to compete with someone you irrationally idolize.
- Changing jobs, relationships, and friends so quickly that you are dumping them before they can dump you, type of lifestyle. Self-sabotage trainwreck.
- Throwing caution to the wind and saying to heck with it. Shutting people out and adopting an “I don’t care about anything or anyone attitude”. Often leading to depression and increased anxiety.
Oddly we often reflect on our circumstances to tell us if we are successful in any area of life. Our circumstances can steer our emotions like a stagecoach with wild horses in the lead. When things are going great, smooth sailing. When they aren’t, the lie shows up.
[bctt tweet=”Insecurity and fear can completely mask us from seeing the things that are going right or the amazing traits we possess in spite of any circumstance.” username=””]
External confidence is fleeting. The spark we feel from a date, the connection with that certain friend, a dress that fit just right that one night, the award for work. All of these things are external and fade or burn out. Sure they make us feel good in that moment and maybe even once in a while when we think about them again.
But what lasts is our internal core confidence.
Now, this is easier for some of us than others. If you grew up in a home where mom and dad (or someone of importance) encouraged, supported, and verbally praised you, score! Even if you’ve since buried it (find it again by clicking here), a little digging will reveal some traits you have tucked away that are something to build your foundation on.
Why would someone bury their confidence?
Heartbreak, broken trust, shattered dreams, you name it. Circumstances have a way of trumping what we should know to be true with temporary half-blinded truths. Suddenly we go from beautiful, confident, and accomplished, to shy, anxious, and withdrawn.
A woman on her wedding day is often beaming with core confidence but if she later divorces, better find the shovel to dig it back out of the hole she buried it in.
Sadly, some people didn’t have praise or a bank of goodness to draw from. They have no clue what core confidence is or how to identify it. Doesn’t mean they don’t have it, it’s just lost and waiting to be found like a beautiful message in a bottle on a warm, sandy beach.
Tell me this. When Tiger Woods cheated on his wife did she suddenly go from gorgeous to repulsive? Not at all. But I bet she felt embarrassed and ashamed and questioned her self-worth in those months of brutal and totally public invasions of her private life.
She is still beautiful. She still possessed all the wonderful traits that convinced him to marry her. But sadly he made mistakes and not because of her.
When someone else’s choices in life hurt us, we often look to rationalize their behavior and wonder why we weren’t good enough. “Well if I was just a little thinner, or if I had a better career, maybe he wouldn’t have strayed.” These types of thoughts show a lack of core confidence.
People are human. They make mistakes and hurt others. I don’t believe anyone is immune from this. However, we are immune to taking on responsibility for someone else’s choices and errors. We are in control of our choices and others are in control of theirs.
When people hurt you accidentally, it’s usually because something in them is broken and needs some repair. They are dealing with their own struggles and you suffered from something they said or did, but you didn’t cause it. When people purposely hurt you, they have a character issue and you should probably cut ties if it happens more than once.
So what are some good tips for ditching the lie and keeping core confidence at hand?
- List your morals on a sheet of paper. What do you really value in life? Are you someone who is honest and seeks trusting relationships. Do you stick up for people? Are you loyal? Etc. All people have some moral compass inside of them that they use to decide what is good for them and what isn’t. Try to define yours.
- This ties into your character traits. Your morals reflect your character. I am loyal, honest, trustworthy, and funny. I possess decent leadership skills and I’m a great parent. I’m kind, polite, and exhibit patience. Notice none of these things rely on my circumstances. I AM all of these things regardless of how well things may or may not be going in my life.
- What are you good at? We all have strengths and weaknesses. All too often we focus on the negative. Are you athletic, talented cook, seamstress, dancer, painter, good with animals? Maybe you are the hardest working employee at your job. Perhaps you are the kid who always cheered up her parents when they had a rough day. Maybe you are a great listener. That’s a wonderful gift. Organized, good with money? There is a massive list and if you can’t think of anything email me and I will certainly help you!
- Don’t compare yourself to others. We are meant to be unique. Sure we have some things in common but our way of being funny doesn’t have to be like our friends. The way she cleans her house doesn’t have to be the way you do. And on, and on. You do you. Let others do them.
- Live in the now. When you do this there is a whole lot less room for worry and doubt to take over. Judgment often comes from reliving an idea or circumstance from the past. And worry is usually focused on the future.
- Be open to possibility. If you are set in your ways and have decided who you are, you don’t leave a lot of room for growth.
[bctt tweet=” It’s great to know your current traits and abilities but don’t limit yourself from learning and growing in new ways.” username=””]
Just because you aren’t a good leader now, doesn’t mean you can’t develop the skills to do so. The things the human mind, body, and soul are capable of never cease to amaze me. This is why movies like Soul Surfer or Rudy bring us to the edge of our seats. It’s why we cheer for the underdog. Deep down we all like to overcome obstacles and conquer new goals.
If you have read my about me page you know I believe that our lives are meant to be so much more than average. We all deserve miracles and happiness on a regular basis.
If you are struggling with your core confidence I encourage you to participate in my free challenge or reach out to someone you trust. Don’t let circumstances or lies dictate your life.
xoxo-Deanna