Happiness. Is it even possible?
I sit across from a good friend at a local restaurant. As we sip our drinks I candidly ask, if genuine happiness is only an illusion? His life seemed to be in good order and I hoped he would offer some great insights. Some inkling of advice that would propel me to continue putting one foot in front of the other. But not in the hamster wheel that I had been on. At the time my life was upside down, inside out, and backward. Just about everything that could go wrong, was. I was desperate for answers before my struggles turned into full-on depression.
He listened to the current plight into my circumstances. Confusion, heartbreak, loss, loneliness, struggle, etc. Then I simply said, “How do you do it? Create or choose happiness in the midst of total chaos? I can’t keep faking it.” He looked stunned for a few moments. I couldn’t tell if he was more surprised that I had hidden all that I was going through so well, or that I was coming to him for advice, maybe both.
So I go on to explain that I wasn’t really trying to compare my life to his or act like he has no struggles. I’m not an idiot. All people with a pulse have struggles and difficulties. Somewhere along the way, I had lost touch with maintaining any sense of happiness throughout mine. Logically, I knew that this only prolonged my crap circumstances. I wondered if everyone else was plastering on a fake smile to make it through their days.
Fake it Til You Make It
There is some merit to this saying, but also a catch. Fake it Til You Make it is meant to be temporary. We indeed, at some point, are supposed to make it.
Out, through, above, doesn’t matter, however you just can’t stay in the same place continually. The idea is to fake it long enough to increase your positive thoughts so that you really can move to a more positive place. Hence, you no longer have to fake it. The smiles, laughter, and happiness become genuine.
[bctt tweet=” Fake it Til You Make it is meant to be temporary. We indeed, at some point, are supposed to make it.” username=””]
Happiness Landmines
My friend eased into a story from his past and how he had made it through his rough go of it.
How he chose happiness daily so he would feel it in his heart sooner. He then began to explain some of the modern-day obstacles that stand in the way of true happiness. As the world evolves and becomes more complicated, the simplicity of what really matters can be clouded and more difficult to find. He suggested four things to shift my mindset in a hurry. He assured me that I would notice a difference in as little as a week if I were to avoid these landmines. Finally, some glimmer.
- The news. Have you watched that junk lately? Political backstabbing, celebrity gossip, riots, the petty criminal blunderbuss is everywhere. Now, I don’t have television but I do have the internet. The front page of every major outlet is the same slanderous garbage. In fact, if one watches the news daily, it’s tempting to believe there are few souls left that aren’t corrupt. Turn it off for a week. ALL of it, and reap the benefits.
- Avoid the misery friend. Misery loves company. When people are hurting they want to know that others hurt too, that they are not alone. The problem lies with those who want to stay hurt. The problem-oriented people who don’t ever implement a solution. Most all of us have these friends. Some of us have more than one. Some of us have been one 🙁 I urge you now to avoid this friend for a bit so you can dust yourself off. Not forever of course, just long enough to get yourself to a place where you can later show them out of the flames as well.
- Lazy Land. 100 years ago our families worked- intensive labor worked. They worked hard or they didn’t eat or have a roof over their heads. Sleeping in or staying out late was unheard of. My great grandfather lived through the Great Depression and despite those circumstances, I still have photos of him during that era with a smile a mile wide. Exercise and movement are natural anti-depressants. Consequently, as the technology age took over, we just stopped moving as much as we used to. It requires a planned effort to stay active.
- Social Not-Networking. Texting, Facebook, Twitter, etc. These can be great for keeping in touch with far away friends once in a while. But what happens when they replace every phone call. Hearing someone’s real voice is reassuring. Meeting up in person shouldn’t be a rarity. Ever been out and seen two people checking out their phones more than each other? Ugh! Handshakes, hugs, and laughing together in person are crucial elements of real connection. Real connection is a vital ingredient of true happiness. You know why solitary confinement is considered one of the worst punishments? Because we are not meant to be alone. It hurts. Emotional disconnect is a happiness saboteur.
Where Unhappy People Go Hunting
Sadly, those who are desperately seeking happiness the most, often use temporary fixes instead of long-term solutions. And those temporary answers also lead to more unhappy consequences down the road. So what are they?
The newest pair of shoes, the next relationship, the next job, the newest escape, physical enhancements, or blaming others for their circumstances, just to name a few. Spending money to buy “things” is an escape. It creates a rush of chemicals that make us feel good briefly. Just as the excitement of a new relationship or job does….for a few months.
[bctt tweet=”As the world evolves and becomes more complicated, the simplicity of what really matters can be clouded ” username=””]
Happiness Haven
So where should we look? Well, I’m not going to give you the generic answer of, “Look inside yourself. Real happiness comes from within.” I’m a realist and I know that when your circumstances are in the gutter- that is the last line you want to hear.
Happiness won’t materialize overnight. If you’ve been in the trenches a while, it takes some effort to get back to bliss. Heck, even back to just okay. So here are some actionable steps to take. No magic wand but I can assure you, the steps below should nudge you in a better direction.
- Get Grateful. The first time I made a gratitude list I struggled to put anything on it beside my children, my legs, and my vision. Seriously, it gets easier as time goes on. If you don’t want to start with a gratitude list, try saying thank you to someone today. Doesn’t matter if it’s for the girl who fixed your coffee, or your spouse kissing you on the way out the door. Make Thank You a more regular word in your vocab.
- Stop working on your days off. Don’t skip your vacation and lay off the overtime. Poor work/life balance is brutal. If you are working extra to pay for material things, it’s time to downsize. The line between wants and needs, especially in America, is often poorly misconstrued. The time away from your loved ones comes at a steep cost.
- Move your booty. Exercise and being active are just plain stimulating. Play with your kids, have a spontaneous rendezvous with your partner, and cycle till you nearly drop with that friend who’s been asking you to go. This not only improves your mood but your body image as well. Like winning a doubleheader.
- Meditate or pray. Spending a few minutes a day just unwinding and thinking about absolutely nothing is awesome. Some meditation focus’ on positive thinking or visualization. This is good too. For those of you with faith, you know that dumping all of your emotion into prayer can be majorly cathartic. I like to listen to positive affirmations as I go to sleep at night because I fall asleep faster and wake up in a better mood.
- Reconnect. Go to lunch with your positive friend. Join a class, volunteer, coach, get involved. Don’t overdo this. You’ll feel stretched beyond your capacity, hence the opposite effect. Just make sure whatever you choose that you are engaging with people again. As a result, loneliness and isolation should fade.
Be patient with yourself.
Stop judging, blaming, or self-sabotaging, rather love the parts of yourself that are good and work on those that need tweaking.
Seems like people are struggling today to find reasons to smile, but when we can strip away all the nonsense, we are surrounded by little miracles. I learned an important lesson about happiness from someone who was terminally ill. Not from anything that was said, but rather from the total lack of control in the circumstances. Happiness is a choice, that we have to continually say, Heck Ya, to every single day.
xoxo-Deanna