Last Sunday I was sitting in church listening to the pastor. He was talking about the advice he gives to young people who are about to get married. He had the entire church laughing but in all honesty, his advice was so valid. Love and the little things matter. Both in the negative and the positive.
This applies whether you have been in a relationship nine months or nine years.
There are always ways to strengthen any relationship. There are also a variety of ways to completely annihilate one.
It isn’t always the big mistakes that unravel a good thing. Doesn’t matter if it’s romantic, family, or friends. There are some very simple strategies one can apply to help things stay running smooth.
[bctt tweet=”It isn’t always the big mistakes that unravel a good thing” username=””]
- Compliment people. Use specific character based compliments when you can. “The way you handled that conversation showed real patience and integrity” is obviously better than “nice earrings.”
Now if someone who normally doesn’t take pride in their appearance has gone out of their way to look better, by all means. “Hey, that outfit really makes your eyes stand out.” And “Honey thank you so much for cooking dinner tonight after such a long day. I really appreciate you.”, goes miles.
- Don’t keep score. I don’t care if it’s your sister, your mother, your best friend, or your spouse. If you are keeping track of how many nice things they have done in comparison to you, or how many times you have been wronged, stop. If you are the constant giver and all they do is take, step away from the relationship. Focus your efforts on people who are more in sync with you. If those people wish to maintain a good relationship with you, they will engage again. Keeping score means your giving is not genuine or from the heart. It also means your forgiving is not sincere.
“But I am always the one who makes the plans. I am the one who initiates all our conversations.” Okay, address it.
Kindly.
Remind the other person of the things you love about your relationship. Don’t condemn them or their choices but state how their actions (or lack of) have made you feel. The people who belong in your life will respond. Maybe not at the speed or frequency that you like but it will happen.
Sometimes they don’t and you have to let go. But what if it’s a family member? Being family doesn’t mean they deserve a free pass to treat you poorly. It is alright to go casual on someone who doesn’t value you as much as they should. Someone else in your life will return your efforts.
- Pamper yourself. For the love of all that is good do not resort to sweatpants and ponytails six days a week. Eva Mendes was once quoted saying, “Sweatpants are the biggest cause of divorce in modern society.” Dramatic but a sliver of truth to it. By the way, yoga pants and leggings are in the same category. Pamper your skin, your nails, your hair, your face, and your wardrobe. I don’t mean spend a fortune. I mean clean, smooth, polished, and looking like you are ready for a first date, every date. [bctt tweet=”This isn’t about the other person. It’s about you and your self-worth.” username=””]
- Encouragement. In case your rose-colored glasses are extra thick, there is no shortage of people tearing others down. Don’t be the person that scrutinizes everything your partner, sibling, or BFF does. Sometimes auto-pilot takes over and we forget for a minute or two that we are supposed to be supportive and kind of our partner’s desire to be the next winner of Dancing with the Stars. Don’t shatter his dreams by reminding him of his two left feet. Your sister doesn’t need it rubbed in that she failed her diet plan again. Show some love!
- Pick your battles wisely. Boundaries are healthy in all relationships. Establish those very early because if you swallow deal-breakers in the beginning, you’ll ultimately pay for it later. But where do we draw the line from occasional bickering to nonstop nagging? An argument between friends or spouses can be healthy and constructive when handled properly. Nagging in any form is like shaking a soda can repeatedly. Eventually, that little sucker is going to explode.
[bctt tweet=”Establish those very early because if you swallow deal-breakers in the beginning, you’ll ultimately pay for it later.” username=””]
So maybe your guy leaves whiskers in the sink every time he shaves. Are you going to let that trump the fact that he is devoted to you and never laughs when you cry during Marley and Me?
There will always be little things that bug both people. Mention it once and let go. Chances are if you don’t complain, your partner or friend won’t gripe about your quirks either. Often, if you keep your smile on and keep being your awesome, encouraging, and compliment dishing self, they will stop their bad habits out of thankfulness.
I am naturally pretty good with directions. I remember dating a guy who would freak out and call me a side seat driver if I tried to help. If I swept the kitchen and forgot to pick up the pile of dirt with the dustpan, our entire evening was ruined by his reaction to it. He used to leave wet towels on the clean and dry bedspread (ggrrr!) but I didn’t say anything trying to keep the peace. To me, it wasn’t a battle worth picking.
For those of you with children, imagine that moment where they jump right into the giant puddle. Most minds instantly jump to, “Oh your clothes” or “stop that right now“.
But if you were to rewind and look at the sheer delight on their face as they hit that puddle, you might think twice about jumping straight to criticism. Most of the time, the people we love don’t try to hurt or irritate us. So pick your battles wisely.
Back to the pastor’s story. He was explaining that his wife likes to squeeze the toothpaste tube right in the middle. I could almost see his face getting red. He’s a “squeeze from the bottom” kind of guy. His stellar advice to new couples: Buy two tubes of toothpaste.
xoxo-Deanna